I spent a fabulous couple of hours on Saturday with the ladies from Insight Pink, a unique group for women who feel they are transitioning from the period of their twenties and early thirties.

Read what they have to say about me here. (I was very touched by your kind words, ladies. Thank you.)

It was fascinating to learn from them and their experiences, and how we all deal with this process of ‘growing up’ differently. There seems some expectation that by your mid-thirties you’ve figured it all out and are settled, but some of us seem to bounce off in completely new directions!

As Baz Luhrman said:

“The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.”

There are no ‘rules’ now. Career, relationships, family, housing, travel, leisure, finance are all part of what we probably have to figure out at some time or another as women, yet there is no clear order to do them in or proportions to arrange them in. There is pressure from family, friends, finance and of course our biological clock and sometimes it seems very hard to do the ‘right’ thing because it always seems like something is being neglected.

Fitting babies into this mix can be very daunting and understandably so. Babies come with a whole other set of pressures and responsibilities.

I’m perhaps a little simplistic. I believe that babies always manage to ‘fit in’ somehow. I also think there is far too much pressure to be a perfect parent, to read all the parenting manuals, to establish routines and discipline early on and to always have your baby looking ‘perfect.’ It becomes about ‘active parenting’ which can quite honestly be stifling and stressful for all concerned.

I think you can do an amazing amount of ‘parenting’ by instinct, without actually worrying about ‘parenting’. Your baby’s needs in the beginning are very simple – lots of love, sleep, milk and interaction. Co-sleep and breastfeed and all you need to buy are nappies/diapers and a few clothes. And a sling is invaluable for going out and about. (My experience of complex ‘travel systems’ is that they’re very expensive and the baby outgrows them quickly. My son was already too big for the pram part of one I looked at in a shop when he was three months old! You really can get by with a sling until the baby is old enough for a simple stroller.)

This type of parenting is called attachment parenting. Demand feeding is a key part of this, so you keep your baby with you in the early weeks so that he (or she) can feed when he needs to. I actually found demand feeding very liberating. There’s no watching the clock, screaming babies or worrying, you just settle for a feed as soon as your baby shows signs of wanting one. You also don’t run into the problem of not being able to go out because it’s naptime – you just take baby with you and let him sleep in the sling.

A big secret of attachment parenting is that keeping your baby close to you releases the hormones which keep your milk supply plentiful and having each other close by and smelling one another is reassuring and good for the mental and physical health of both you and your baby. (There’s a reason nature made babies’ heads smell so yummy!)

Anyway, do take a look at Insight Pink’s blog. They’re a fascinating, smart, articulate group of ladies and true Shinemamas-to-be!

And if you would like me to come and spread a little SHINE by talking to your group or organisation, drop me an email!

The topic of cosleeping hit the headlines last week once again following a new study published in the British Medical Journal (BMJ article.)

Reports were mixed, with the BBC news using soundbites from FSID to berate parents for ‘ignoring advice’ not to bedshare. Meanwhile, The Telegraph carried the headline, ‘Sharing a bed with a baby does not increase risk of cot death, research shows’.

The Guardian goes one step further to argue that the ’science’ is being badly misinterpreted and used to demonise parents.

So what is the truth? Well, the BMJ study doesn’t tell us much we don’t already know. Their conclusion is as follows:

Many of the SIDS infants had coslept in a hazardous environment. The major influences on risk, regardless of markers for socioeconomic deprivation, are amenable to change and specific advice needs to be given, particularly on use of alcohol or drugs before cosleeping and cosleeping on a sofa.

The problem we have in finding the truth is that none of the big cosleeping studies have separated out those bedsharing safely with their babies (no drugs or alcohol for parents and a safe space for baby, free from pillows and excess covers) from those who have fallen asleep on a sofa, possibly in a drunken or overtired state.

Consistently, studies have found the vast majority of ‘cosleeping’ deaths have been sofa-sleepers, where the baby has been smothered or suffocated whilst sharing a sofa with a parent. These really aren’t true SIDS or cot death cases as there is a clear cause of death. Similarly, we know that smoking and alcohol consumption in parents are linked to incidents of SIDS.

There is no evidence that planned bedsharing is in any way harmful.

What we DO know however is that the original study which FSID quote repeatedly and which was aimed at finding a link to cosleeping and SIDS was funded in a large part by the JPMA – The Juvenile Product Manufacturers’ Association who described themselves:

JPMA is a national trade organization representing 95% of the prenatal to preschool industry. Today, JPMA represents 250 companies in the United States, Canada, and Mexico who manufacture, import and/or distribute infant products such as cribs, car seats, strollers, bedding, and a wide range of accessories and decorative items.

Hardly an uninterested party. Though none of these studies have actually proven any link to bedsharing and SIDS, the party line is still not to bedshare.

Fortunately, a few voices of reason have spoken up. The National Childbirth Trust (NCT) Chief Executive, Belinda Phipps has said, “The findings sound extremely significant. We are really pleased to see that evidence about the safety of co-sleeping is building, because we know it improves breastfeeding rates. We also know a lot of parents prefer to do it but feel guilty because they are unsure about the risks”. (The Telegraph, 2009)

Similarly, Dr Peter Blair from UNICEF has said, “This study shows that it is not co-sleeping that is unsafe, but the circumstances under which some parents co-sleep that create risks”.

So why is this so important to parents?

Well, we know that half of parents bedshare at least once in the first six months. A quarter of parents bedshare regularly. Many are made to feel guilty about it. This guilt is mired in the belief of FSID that it is better to tell parents never to cosleep at all rather than expect them to understand a few common sense precautions. Yet this sledgehammer approach is dangerous because bedsharing carries considerable, known benefits.

• Bedsharing supports the breastfeeding relationship between mother and infant. Mothers who bedshare are more likely to feed on demand and continue feeding for longer. Proximity of the baby helps the mother produce prolactin which keeps milk supply high.
• Bedsharing is comforting, normal and natural. Most other cultures outside the US and UK bedshare, many with very low incidences of SIDS. The practice was discouraged by the Victorians. Babies aren’t designed to be alone.
• It’s easy! No getting out of bed to fetch and feed the baby.
• It’s safe. Feeding then falling asleep on the sofa isn’t.
• There is evidence bedsharing can help regulate the baby’s breathing, temperature and heart rate as well as reduce stress hormones.
• It may mean a much better night’s sleep for mum and baby. A known factor in decreasing postnatal depression.
• A secure baby with a close maternal attachment is likely to not suffer separation anxiety, so is more likely be a secure, independent, happy child.

Deborah Jackson’s book Three in a Bed was a groundbreaking book on the benefits of bedsharing. It’s a great read for parents wanting to know more on the subject. I am a strong believer in bedsharing and am sharing with #3. #1 and #2 moved on to their own bed cheerfully when they were ready.

There are just a few common sense guidelines:

• Avoid drinking, drugs or cigarettes if you are bedsharing.
• Make a safe space for the baby… no pillows or excess covers, no cracks they can get wedged in.
• Don’t cosleep on the sofa

Is there anything nicer than seeing your baby’s face grinning back at you when you wake up?